Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
