Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
