i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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