I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
