totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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