Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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