Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Randomize
