You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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