I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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