I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
