Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
sex in a hospital.. check
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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