so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
P.S. I can't hear my feet
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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