yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
