Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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