I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
