well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
