Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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