I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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