I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
