i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
