i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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