theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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