Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
