tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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