After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
if only i could text you this smell
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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