i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
