I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
