I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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