My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
As shirtless as possible
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
