pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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