I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
