dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
my poor anus
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
