for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
