i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
