Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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