Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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