Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
