Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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