I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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