ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
