The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
