I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
