totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
