I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
