I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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