1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
