I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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