The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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