My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
