i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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