dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
