When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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